BETTER LATE THAN NEVER!

 Though it may seem that I took a brilliant advice from an equally brilliant person to remain in oblivion for some time, but as it always turns out to be that what it seems is never what it is in reality. And so is it with the fact that I wasn't advised to be in hiding and that too and more importantly  in quietude.

The question of why wasn't I blogging all this while has various getaways. Less important and the most obvious of them remains the occupational commitment. While the more important and occult getaway is that I had been through a writer's block all this while. I know it sounds pompous and all. I wasn't devouring on KIT-KAT and all and thinking that BREAK TOH BANTA HAI BOSS. I don't actually feel like giving explanation and all.

All this while has made me realize that I am bad at managing a few things at a time. There is this imbalance already between work and life. And worrying factor is that it's happening so early. And even more worrying factor is that I am getting irritated about how much time I am spending with this post.

So, you know, I feel like keeping this post short. I just hope I get back to this blogging stuff soon.
My blog is a year old now. And that gives me a nice kick.

A major activity is in the line of action. I think that'll make me more available on this blog.
 
BTW, BEST WISHES FOR THE NEW YEAR!


LATER.

DANGEROUS INDO-EUROPEAN RELATIONSHIP

If you are a fantasy loving person and a dreamer, it is obvious you wonder about the universe. You love any kind of a discussion relating to the Time Machine or the Black Holes and all. You wonder about the HISTORY. You discuss about whether ever man would manage to pay a visit to the past. You are much in awe with the amazing inter connectivity in the languages spoken in the Indian subcontinent and those in the Europe and the American continents. The experts call them as the Indo-European Languages.

They say the evolution of the current languages begun with the adaptation of the ancient Sanskrit to the Latin and then to the modern Sanskrit and so on.

One word, that I feel has been a serious aberration to the whole settling of the languages, is Sarjansheelta.

Sarjan is similar to Surgeon as far as the pronunciation is concerned.

Sarjansheelta is CREATIVITY in the Hindi-Marathi languages.

And it isn't a good idea for a surgeon to be creative.

And it is a very good idea to keep away from a sarjansheel surgeon.

Bored.

LATER.

Dabangg-Serious NonSense shown seriously.

Dabangg works. It isn't a compulsive Salman starred superhit like Wanted. It has some substance minus a great story. Dabangg works because of Salman and Salman and Salman alone. Munni Badnaam hui and a great background score add to this action comedy recipe. People who questioned his acting prowess will be forced to alter their perceptions. Those critics shall enter the cinemas (preferably a single theater and not a multiplex) being their self and shall come out being their own alter ego. Such is the impact of the movie. Director Abhinav Kashyap wouldn't have made a better choice for CHULBUL urph ROBINHOOD PANDEY.

Dabangg is unlike any other rustic-town-based-story that is all but too abusive and filled with raunchy scenes. There isn't a single beeped word that won't allow you to go watch it with your younger siblings and parents.

It is a treat for a Salman Khan fan (like me). Those who aren't crazed about Salman, I bet you'll be one of the countless fan base after watching his latest blockbuster. If Rajni has got his own league down south, here we have, after all these years since Salman's debut, our own answer to the Rajni of south. With Dabangg, Salman has been the Rajni for the Rest of India. 

Salman has a cached treasure of some decent acting.  And he himself is to blame for keeping it cached for most part of his career. Rishi Kapoor appreciated his acting skills once on a coffee talk show. And how brilliantly Salman has proved Rishi right with Dabangg.

But, on the onset of the huge success and record breaking box office collections, there lies a serious threat to Salman and his public image for being type casted. I expect a series of Dabangg-inspired-flicks in the near future. Salman should have in him what it takes to resist the temptation to do similar roles. That won't help his cause. I bet a sequel to Dabangg won't work at all.

Now that he is an approved actor, he needs to grow exponentially as an actor. Just like what Aamir Khan did so very early in his career. Aamir went a step further. He hardly ever repeated his co-stars. Obvious exceptions being his favorite Juhi Chawla.

A total paisa wasool movie and my advice-suggestions: Go watch it with as many friends as possible, because that'll add to the fun quotient. Watch it in a single screen cinema hall and not in a multiplex to enjoy all the whistles and also to feel free to whistle yourself. 

And if you are a true Sallu fan and always keen to do things he does, don't forget to put on an old shirt of yours in case you get possessed by the Salman spirit and rip the shirt apart.

LATER.

VOID CULTURE

I read this a few days ago. Just too abrasive, I thought then about the article.
Today is the 7 day Ganapati Visarjan. And there is chaos on the roads everywhere in the city. And I realize today that the linked article isn't all nonsense.

There is a dance academy near my locality. And I won't comment on the quality of dancers that the dance academy yields. Because, I am not aware of that fact. I am not bothered about knowing about it either. The reason I mention about this dance academy is that it celebrates a GRAND Ganeshotsav every year.

Being a dance academy, it is full of either a gang of hippies or a clump of positively plump ladies. Though the presence of a bunch of ill-clothed ladies can be nicely enticing and wanting and all, but in the state of realness it can prove to be rather an eye candy. Those abstruse, gaudy and extravagant piercings at the vestigial body places and that tattooing on the important places becomes obnoxiously flamboyant.

And when such hippies decide to show their INDIANness and culture, your mind echoes "ITS KALYUG".
They set up a stage at the place that earlier was best utilized for TEEN PATTI and carrom. Cigarette gets replaced by incense.

All the rituals are carried by the hippies as per their HIPPIE culture. And when the visarjan day is up, the hippies go mad. So much so that it makes me believe that the reason they celebrate Ganeshotsav is to show their hippie dancing during the visarjan time- of course, the HIPPIE way.

That the dancing is beyond the Hindu culture is just an understatement. It is mortally vulgar and hippie insane. A tank top and a tight bottom apparel is the last thing a cultured Indian lady would put on. But, as it is, the hippie culture.

They play ear-shattering-loud music while the Ganesh murti is on its way to the visarjan. They'll block the traffic while the procession will move ahead at the speed that is 1/3 of the speed of an earthworm. The only reason I hate Dabangg is that it has given a vulgar dance number "Munni Badnaam Hui.." to these hippies. Munni Badnaam is then followed by awful cacophonous high-pitched noises from the so-called remixers.

And the fact that an average Indian can't resist even a trace of any kind of mild or medium amount of skin show explains the high incidents of sneaky gropism and molestations.

Less said, the better!

NO TIME FOR THE LOVE TO WRITE.

Eons ago, there had been a grand & orotund wight who *would* post an entry on this hapless blog. 

Eons later, the wight continues to preserve all the roly-poly reserve but the oftenness of postings seems to be tending to zero.

Once, during a random interview (unsuccessful), the fatso was asked about his *FAVORITE* hobby. ( Favorite hobby-  and we regard those intolerant, intolerable industry retards as the interview panelists.)

He replied, "Breathing and Living is his hobby!" 

The panelists could not conjecture this BAAT KI GHEHRAYE. One of them JUST couldn't cerebrate the idea the fatso mouthed. And the rest of the interview is HISTORY that could be possibly best forgotten.

 

During the interview, the fatso was also asked about the fact that he used his left hand to write and all, but one. Don't ask me about the one important and necessary activity that *has* to be carried out no matter who you are. That activity which most people do using their *other* hand has just got costlier than ever in New Delhi (Collect Wealth Games).  A delhiite was overheard saying " OYE! Yeh TISSUE ka ISSUE! OYE, APNA HAATH, JAGANNATH, 4000 rupiyon ke hai, BHEND-E-TAKKE! " The fatso has been lucky he doesn't hail from New Delhi. 

The fatso LOVES to live. And, yes! This can be considered a hobby or a vocation. And breathing is an activity that gives LIVING a nice basis. The fatso meant whatever he said. 

The pale blue work life has been a cunning blockade to the 'living' hobby. And when there isn't time for 'LOVE to live', writing has been a far-fetched terminus. Actually, writing isn't a terminus. It can be regarded as a SUMMIT POINT. To which the mind & its thinking can converge to unity. And from which the mind and thinking can make a point beyond the scope of anyone. Writing is a unique double sided lens with the mind being just like the silica glass lenses. It is a completely-automated-self-programmed-mind-audited medium that can converge and diverge at will. Converge all your thoughts into oneness. And Diverge a myriad of ideas that could possibly match with the focal length of potential and possible readers. 

Writing requires a complete togetherness of mind and body. The only other such activity that comes to my mind is television viewing. And TIME, as always, has been a constraint.

Let me hope for an improved frequency of postings post Ganesh Chaturthi and Eid. 

You can go and watch Dabanng during the festive week end. And till then, i'll do some CHULBUL with writing.

GANPATI BAPPA......... MORYAAA...

MANGAL MURTI...........MORYAAA...

LATER.

A day of my life

When you sleep for 1/64532565545th of a second in 48 hours and have to wake up betimes every aurora, life cannot be racy for you. Life is nothing but a thudding experience of 'un'events. If you are a person who just can't believe that there are people who jog or brisk walk at 04:30 Hrs, then you have understood what I mean to say. And when you have to leave your house at such hellish hours for reasons like college or job, you are partly sleepy and partly dead during that time.

Your day begins with the usual ablution chores that are to be performed at the start of the day. It pours heavily outside as it's the monsoons. The raincoats over the saddening formal attire kill the minuscule & leftover enthusiasm to go to the office. Matters in the mind worsen as you see the other members of your family sleeping nice and tight.

You go out the apartment and soon are chased by a gang of barking dogs. You slip on the road, but luckily miss a great fall a couple of times as you try and get rid of the dogs. You see a few joggers jogging in the rains and wonder about the presence of weird people in this world. Jogging in the rains seems totally harebrained to you. You have to walk through some distance before you reach to your mode of conveyance. 

It is still dark, but the street lights are off (municipality, damn it!) and you have to walk in the dark on a bumpy road during heavy rains and more importantly, when you are sleepy eyed. You do not care where your feet land as you walk through puddles and pointed stones. To reach the office on time is what you are worried about. 

You pass through a series of gullis and kaccha roads. You finally reach the main road. You do not find a single unoccupied auto rickshaw. Now, there is only one way you can hope to reach to your mode of conveyance. That is by walking. And now you can only hope you reach your destination and do not miss your vehicle.

You find the main roads water logged. Lots of filth and smut. You decide to take the sub-way. Through the sub way, you feel you can reach your destination the quickest. You notice that the sub-way is illuminated decently. The subway is built over a naalaa. You pass through the sub way steadily. It becomes difficult to walk on the water logged road. 

You have lifted your trousers above and about the knee level. The cold water makes you shiver a little. You feel you'll cramp any time. You are nice and steady at walking. Suddenly, you feel a grip. You stop inevitably and balance yourself. It is a grip that is not tight, but detectable. You think it might be a stray branch of a tree that's flowing with the water. You look down at your feet. The sleep deprived eyes and the dim illumination do not instantly help you know about the 'nature' of the grip. It is only after you focus your attention to know about the 'grip' when you notice that the grip is nothing less than a limbless reptile. A venomous snake your mind says, though the heart still doesn't agree. But, this sachchai is enough to cause permanent numbness in your entire body. Your leg being temporarily groped by none other than a 5-6 feet long snake, is a tremendous jolt to your sleepiness and sensibilities. You wait until freed from the sudden fumble by a deadly venomous snake. Some how you come safely out the sub-way and are half way your destination. 

The METRO station, that is coming up, blocks your further approach. You make a resolution to fight out all the odds that'll come your way. You forget about the snake thing for a while. You successfully and unknowingly, almost miraculously pass through the pipe work of the Metro Project. 

Next thing you see is that your mode of conveyance is fleeing away without taking you along. You are just 10 meters away. But, the over-exacting and punctual driver will not wait for you. The driver is of the types who believe "Either you are or you not. You are not 'almost'. Either a woman is pregnant or isn't." 

You see all those efforts to reach the destination go in vain when the conveyance mode moves away. You signal and you shout to make the driver stop the vehicle. He doesn't. You become desperate. Next thing you do is that you pick up a pebble from the metro construction area. Of course, you wouldn't pick it up for nothing. You gather all your strength and shy the pebble at the vehicle hoping that the impact will make the driver stop the vehicle. 

There is an impact on one of the glass panes of the vehicle. Thankfully, you don't end up shattering the glass piece. You make it to the vehicle. You realize it was a long way towards the destination.

And this was just another day of my life.

 

TIME PLEASE!

I am sorry. Please DON’T tear this letter away! Read it once.

I was so.. so… ignorant about  you when you were around. Being an aimless dork, having a neat composition of mass & minute amount of energy, I wasted you in copious amounts. That you would be with me and available to me each time and every time was so, by nature, obvious that I simply took you for granted. I, unknowingly, under the influence of and sheer admiration towards ‘LEISURE’ devaluated you.

I, You and LEISURE together have experienced great moments of happiness & bliss; we cared a damn about anything. We were a nice company all the while. Do you remember those moments when you would accompany me to my college? Even BOREDOM accompanied us many-a-time. And how my college friends would try to cast off BOREDOM from all of us! BOREDOM had no other option and had to goodbye us forever.

I hope you remember those awesome days we spent together when I was supposed to study for the upcoming exams. And how fascinated we were when all three of us met SLEEP for the first time! And SLEEP would visit us quite often those days. I remember LEISURE getting really ‘close’ to SLEEP famously. LEISURE was on a date spree with SLEEP, REVERIE and DAYDREAMS. I can’t even dare to forget the awesome time we had on the bed, each time and every time. We indulged in one another. We would watch the repeat telecast of Wimbledon matches in the morning. Then, SLEEP would depart us for a brief period and join us again for the siesta. AMAZING DAYS, man!

We would watch movies all day and deliberately keep SLEEP waiting and wanting for us. After movies, we would worry about the possibility of SLEEP leaving us forever. But, SLEEP, being the nicest soul amongst us, would forget about the harsh treatment given by us and would embrace us immediately. We all made a nice little group. The only annoying part was that LEISURE would manage to be with us only during the May vacation and the Diwali holidays. I always considered you to be my best mate. You made yourself ever available for me. Through thick and thin.

But, the course of the recent days has changed a bit. We don’t quite meet each other as often. SLEEP meets me at night, but without you and LEISURE, our meet is not really a meet. SLEEP has become my want now. Also, BOREDOM has been troubling me since a few days. BOREDOM has realized that I am unable to meet my friends quite often. My WORK keeps me busy the whole day. Travelling, I hear, is BOREDOM’s best friend. The worst part of BOREDOM being around is that it brings a lot of bad company along with it. Like FRUSTRATION & ANGER.

And your absence from my life has made my living all the more painstaking. Please, make yourself available for me. I need you more than anything else. Your absence has automatically created an unwarranted gap between me and LEISURE. And you need to bridge that gap soon. We all can get together big time and start living together again. My work life will not allow us to enjoy the way we did in the past, but at least we can get it all started. Please don’t ask me to quit my work and all. Don’t let the BEST hamper the better. PLEASE, COME BACK SOON and make YOURSELF AVAILABLE.

-          To,

My Dear TIME.

I am completely ignorant to topics like EXISTENCE OF NATURE. I care a damn about the studies carried out to know how and why life was created on this planet. I am about to present my view on CONTRADICTIONS. Do not believe it. It is just a thought. I am not even a tyro in this particular topic. I am not even a Saba Karim, Aakash Chopra, Arun Lal or even Atul Wassan at it.

There isn’t a single being that can authorize the objective of its existence. And, how we are criticized for the lack of an objective or an aim in our life!


We believe what we see. We believe in God. Believe that God exists and more so, worship God. No one has seen him to believe him. To balance the positive incline towards God, we do acknowledge the presence of a negative energy. We haven't come across God & its negative counterpart. At least, I haven't. You may feel otherwise. Why believe in a God or an incorporeal spirit? We haven't seen God; why believe in him? Why accept the presence of a negative spirit?

The Bhagawat Gita says that LIFE is FULL of CONTRADICTIONS. True. Krishna said that HIS SUPREMENESS is ubiquitous. (You can ignore my act of giving an emphasis on HIS when I am actually questioning HIS presence. This is also a contradiction.) But, nobody can testify HIS existence. There is a SUPREME __________ (The blank shows that I am unsure of the noun that should be used. SOUL….. SELF…… BEING….. Because all the three nouns mentioned are so HUMAN. None of these go in it.)  People believe to have been in proximity with HIM. But, that is about it. Period. No kind of apparition has been witnessed.

I have realized that I love writing. I feel like writing only when I am intrigued by the tough situations in life (I hate to use the word LIFE); when things aren’t in place. I write when I am DOWN, depressed, longing, and happy to recall some past joyous moments; a part of me sad, for those moments won’t be back. I am HAPPY when I write; and I write when I am actually depressed.
In Mahabharat, the greatest warrior ever KARNA died. The pandavs were the winners of the battle. They won only after the eldest pandav was eliminated. This is probably what can be considered as the greatest of the contradictions.
I want to give a few more examples on Contradictions. But, I also want this post to be a quickie.


And I have no idea why this post's appearing in a multiple font style.


LATER.

7-9, 12-3 & 3-5!!

This is a just another random post by me. It has been an amazing Sunday for me. Amazing it is(the day is not over yet) for I had a much needed indulgence in one of my favorite & self proclaimed vocations. And that vocation is MOVIE WATCHING.

Today, it was a nearly '6-9,9-12, 12-3, 3-6 & 6-9' experience for me. For I have been tirelessly watching movies back to back the whole day. And feeling happy about it. And all but one have been HINDI movies. I do NOT prefer English flicks. Not that I completely ignore them and all.

The day started with Rocket Singh. A BOLLYWOOD flop. So, I did not expect much from it. And this Shimit Amin film surprised me. A good watch, certainly. The interview scenes and the first-few-days-at-work scenes are very realistic.

The next movie in line was THE GODFATHER. The first of the series. The book has been adapted into the movie quite well, well... brilliantly actually. Long Live Mario Puzo, Marlon Brando, Al Pacino.

The third movie was TAHAAN. The movie is a low budget movie. But, I loved it for its simplicity. A completely different story line. And a great performance from the child actor who played the character Tahaan.

The next was THE BLUE UMBRELLA. This movie has everything in it. A mix of a good script, a nice story, good screenplay, great cinematography & great direction. And in addition to the aforementioned points, this movie also has great music, nice locates and good actors that includes one of India's greatest (yet under-rated) actors, Pankaj Kapur. A must watch.

The 5th movie (just imagine) I saw today is (in my opinion) the best ever gang-war depiction movie made by the Indian film industry. One word that comes to my mind when I think about this movie is ANACHRONISM. I cannot believe that this movie was made in the times when most of the industry was busy making romantic duds & stretched-beyond-elastic-limit melodramas. And I realize this after exactly 12 years since the movie released.This movie depicts the typical consequences of the city underworld gang war & bloody rivalry. How bad situations & early events in life can lead a sane human being into a difficult, relentless & unforgiving world of crime!  SATYA is a must watch. A classic. An epic. Brutal violence with a touch of shy romance. And a brilliant caption at the end " My tears are as much for Satya as are for the people whom he killed."

I lost on to watching these movies in the cinema hall. Of course, an exception to this is THE GODFATHER. Because, it has never released here in India in the cinemas.

Five great movies in a day. Sunday, a fun day.

Two posts in a single day.

Well, I am being true to my saying. I am CONSISTENTLY INCONSISTENT.

BOSS, HE IS A MIMIC!

He is jovial. He is full of energy. He is dynamic. He is in his early thirties. He is brilliant. He is a TOFF or TOPE OR TOUFF, whatever our regional dialect has in it to describe his above mentioned qualities. More importantly for me, he is my senior. He is also my cubicle-mate at my office. Things we share or rather are coerced to share range from a PC (that has a local operating system, no WINDOWS. It is called OBANTU. Even names like Chibaba, Chigumbura, Nagamootoo & Mazakatsa are more conventional when compared to OBANTU.)to a vada pav.

Ear buds (Not the Johnson & Johnson ones; these ear buds also come from a local brand. They say, the ear buds manufacturing companies, except of course Johnson & Johnson make use of used surgical cotton. I hope this is untruth.), a nail cutter, a stapler, a punching machine, a drawer, a locker and a dustbin are other supplements we share.

He is someone with whom I debate with, about a lot of non sense and a few trivial issues.

Some of these issues are as follows: (Statement like the previous, I guess, resembles to a lot of boring textual stuff. I hope the readers don’t, by default, slumber.)

   

1)      How does the sun burn and keeps burning all these years even within a frigid endless vacuum surrounding it? And why then were we taught at the school that, burning can only occur in the presence of oxygen?

2)      Is a pair of scissors a shearing machine or not? Both of us reached a consensus, while a senior, seemingly sagacious Quality Assurance guy, acted as a mediator between the two of us. I don’t know why a Quality guy always seems sagacious or knowledgeable. They are people with zero common sense, but a vainglorious ego. 

3)      Is there any connection between Lord Krsna & Jesus Christ?

4)      Déjà vu incidents.

5)      The pros of introducing “Mechanics of a Bicycle” as a subject at the school level.

And many more and many more…

He seems boastful at times, animadverts a many times; but later I realized that it isn’t so. He is actually like the BBC network or the British media. He demos great self confidence, leadership qualities and can be a great mentor. These all qualities, I guess, will take him to the top of the laid hierarchy of an organization.

He is the most popular guy in the office, in the department & the sub-division of the company. He is popular for some other more colorful reasons.

He arrives on time, well almost, & almost daily. At times when he is late, he’ll visit some other neighboring department first and then come to our office. Thus, he covers up brilliantly, the fact that he is late. “WAS TAKING FOLLOW UP” he’ll say if asked by anyone.

At times, when punctual, he’ll see to it that everybody in the office notices his apparent punctuality. His day at the office starts with a lot of time spent joking around with the younger colleagues. Then, eventually he settles down on his chair. Finally, he starts with his work.

                                                                                                                                                               

The personal extension phone in the cubicle rings up. He picks up and answers with a HELLO that is uttered impulsively, excitedly and differently each time and every time.

Because he is a mimic, he can be the DGM or GM or any body he can imitate, almost any where & anytime. He is a great mimic.

Caller on the other end: Can I speak to Ameya?

He answers (in my voice, while I am a meter away from him. I am watching all this): Yeah, speaking!

Caller: Hi, Ameya. How are you? Where is your boss? Has he resigned? (The caller laughs loudly & horrifyingly.)

He (still imitating me): He will come late, as always. Ohhh, wait a second, he has come. Sir, your phone.

(He takes a pause before speaking, now in his own voice says..) Hi, I have not resigned!

 He is a mimic. Damn good one. Good enough to be a professional mimic. He can put all the bad mimics off their jobs on the so-called laughter shows. Why is he here then? Why is he an engineer then? Why is he doing this job?

Once he got a call from a QUALITY ASSURANCE guy. The conversation is as follows.

QA guy: The sample is rejected. The supplier should be questioned.

He: ISKI SAJAA MILEGI….. BARABBAR MILEGI…. (In the Gabbar singh avatar)

One day, he got a call from his long time colleague. He answered, but in my voice.

The LONG TIME COLLEAGUE: Your boss is late today as usual, I bet.

The mimic senior quickly responded:

SHART GHODO PAR LAGAYI JATI HAI KATHOR, SHERO PAR NAHI.

 (In a typical starts-rough-and-tough-gradually-minifying-almost-muted-voice of Ajay Devgn from OMKARA.)

The other day he got a call from a back office guy. He spoke, not in his own voice.

At the end of their conversation, the back office guy asked for the identity of the man on the other end of the call.

The mimic replied: VIJAY DINANATH CHAUHAN, PURA NAAM. AAJ 6 BAJE APNA BUSINESS REVIEW KA BOSS KE SAATH APENMENT HAI, APENMENT. HAAN! ENGLISH BOLTAI, HAINNNN!

(Of course, he did it brilliantly.)

The back office guy surely understood with whom he was speaking to.

The question to be asked is why I am mentioning about this mimic on this blog.

My answer to this is in the form of two statements.

“It is an advantage if your boss likes you.

 It is an added advantage if you like your boss and his work ethics.”

Non sense HIATUS!

It has been a long time since the last update. Work+travel+6 hours-much-needed sleep does not allow me to give justice to this vocation of mine. To update regularly,  I am sure I need an extra hour a day.
I have finally realized that my office PC is more reliable than my home PC.
That makes me realize that my home PC deserves all that assembling-dissembling i did on it.
I do not dare unscrew the metallic case of the CPU of my office PC. I tried that once, but that audaciousness was followed by a quick recall of a few knowledgeable words spoken by a dear friend. Those exact words are
" Electric current is used by doctors to revitalize a patient's abating heart beat rate."

Almost half of the year has gone by. Like most of the Indians, I am interested in football only when it's world cup. Same is the case with the non-cricket loving people; they watch cricket only when it's IPL. Same is the case with Tennis. Wimbledon, in a way, revives tennis to some extent, i feel.

OK,Enough of babbling! I am heading to a hill station as I type this blog entry.
More updates in a short while.

Later.

OFFICIAL BLUNDER!

The Tuesdays at Work are damn boring. I am TOLD to attend a lot of meetings and all. The A/Cs in the conference room are meant to maintain the 'PRODUCTIVE'ness  of an employee to which I TOTALLY disagree. They are the real culprits that make me snooze after every quarter of a minute. The other culprits being the GM's monotonous talk & those sad, sleep deprived faces of the other members attending the meeting.

The office doer comes in the conference hall with coffee cups in his hands. Four of them. Of course, he opens the door with his waist. I hope he does not spill some coffee on the table or the floor as common. It has been just 10 minutes in the meeting and already 2-3 officers have noticed my ennui. The GM's not in a good mood today, I sense. His open eyes, zero yawning, too-many-adjustments in the chair while sitting, and grave expressions are enough to indicate that he has received from his senior what they call it in the local manufacturing argot as "BAMBOO DAALA" .

After an hour through the meeting, it is now the AGM's turn ( whom I have mentioned in the past in some earlier post) to present the WEEKLY REVIEW of his department. He gets off his seat. Searches frantically  his shirt pocket for the pen drive. I am more worried he might just end up ripping apart that pocket. Not just the Pen Drive, but the ciggy packet in it would be out for every one to see then, I think.

The AGM gets ready! He is already sweating buckets. The 19th-century-128-MB-ID or SATA-RAM-PC detects the USB after a considerable amount of time. The GM delivers an array of unprintables by then, cursing the computer for its pace. It is almost as if the GM struck a MC-BC attack. It was as natural and unexpected as an untimely hiccup.
The PPT file is open now. The first slide reads 'WELCOME'. A welcome after an hour through the meeting. LOVELY start. The AGM is maneuvering the mouse to no avail. The POINTER isn't moving by a pixel space. Since I am RESTing in the next seat to him, the AGM is quick to summon me over to look into the MATTER. I check the mouse connections. It's done. The mouse is ready. The AGM takes hold of the mouse. Does right-click-left-click-file-menu-edit-view-slide show steer as usual. Helpless, he again summons over his MAN FRIDAY (me) for help. F5 and the slide show starts.

For the AGM, the computer is a big PARESHAANI. He gives a trademark WELCOME start to his presentation. I am told to time the slides and change them as and when told to do so.
Here comes the second slide:
And something has happened. OOO GOOSSHH!
I am perplexed. All that drowsiness, slumberous, sleepy feeling is gone in a minute. In fact, my eyes are wide open like nothing and anything.

The slide no.2

 
'SMOOTH SUPPLY CHAIN MANAGEMENT' was the intended text.
BLUNDER. A big one.
The GM's face had turned red. I anticipated another MA-BEHEN attack. His BIG nose had turned red now. He put off his specs. In disgust. I looked around to see the reaction of the members attending the meet. Of course, the youngsters could not control laughter. They somehow managed the laughter, but could not avoid a smile, a tight lipped one.

The AGM quickly tried to cover the blunder.
" My Mistake. It is SMOOTH and not 'WHAT IS IT?'" he said and looked straight at me, hoping I would change the slide quickly. Of course, the AGM wasn't aware and ever heard of the word SMOOCH.

The GM looked up and finally, he himself, could not help but laugh. Soon, his gentle laugh turned into a boisterous uncontrollable jape. Every one joined in. I hoped it was not a situation similar to the KITNE AADMI THE situation in SHOLAY, where the Chief villain begins, others join in and suddenly, KALIYA and others are no more.

The GM JUST did not stop. Now, he was holding his enormous belly. Such laughter hurt his stomach. He started coughing eventually. Now, the coughing did not stop. His face had turned more red now. He gestured, waving his hands. I thought he wanted to go home. HOSPITAL, he yelled, finally. He was taken to the hospital. Of course, he is fine. At the hospital, he did not allow any of us to pay a visit to him. Not because he was super critical and all, but because he feared he would laugh out again.

Over and above, SMOOCHING is fun, and can be dangerous too!


LATER!

LOVELY! I SAY!!

On one FINE day, 2000 SARKARI people find out that they get 'LOW' wages. Suddenly, 1 Crore people have to bear the brunt.
LOVELY. I say.

I am at my desk at 6:40 A.M. Important mails to send, a report to be made for a 7:30 A.M. meeting, some analysis to be done for the meeting using the Internet. I switch ON the monitor. It takes 5 more minutes to load the windows. The Antivirus gets going. Right Click to refresh is done frantically at least a dozen times to get a 'GOOD FEEL'. And there appears a pop-up that says " Local Area Connection is disconnected". I go under the table to track the LAN cable.The LAN cable is brutally bruised. There is a batch of mosquitoes down under. I come up. Sit on the cozy chair I am given. I try to do something to just get back the LAN from somewhere out of the blue.  The mouse, when moved, produces a slight friction and a mild screech. Of course, there is a lot of gunk underneath. Just as is the common practice for the removal of the dirt gunk, my fingertips and my nails get into the action. There wouldn't be any friction or screech anymore.
LOVELY. I SAY.

I get massacred in the meeting. Come back to my cubicle. Sit depleted. Feel Hungry. I am called up for a REVIEW meeting. I am again being massacred by the AGM. Silence prevails. Until an awful vibratory sound, that signifies HUNGER, is made by my affluent belly. I hope the longing for some EDIBLE stuff wasn't as such and as much AUDIBLE to the colleagues present at the meet.
LOVELY. I SAY.

The ear feels a terrible itch. Almost unbearable. I search for the drawer keys. They aren't in the pocket. I forgot them at home. The inexorable itch in the ear compels me to pick up a screw driver and break open the drawer. The JOHNSON & JOHNSON's ear buds, that I keep in the drawer, do wonders.
LOVELY. I SAY.

I discuss about 'SPEED OF LIGHT NOT BEING CONSTANT' with my boss and a few colleagues during the working hours. Stephen Hawking, Newton, Einstein,etc. are discussed. Atom Smasher, Time Machine and major disasters of sound are the topics on my agenda for the next TP meet.
LOVELY. I SAY.

LATER.

ORANGE BLISS!!!

I feel rather sleepy. I was up with the larks this morning. It is April. Even at such early hours, it is humid in Mumbai.  The days being longer than the nights, I am blessed with the apparition of the Sun God and its orangish light beams even at 6:15 A.M. I am walking on a leveled tar road; abutting to it are the uneven endless gardens. A lot of twittering and chirping of the birds can be heard. I am sleepy, but the auditory sensation from the rhythmic chirrups is like instrumental music to me. (Reminder of the Doordarshan Montage being played on the TV that brings smile to every Indian, morning-school-going-sleepy-eyed- child of the 90s.) There is a lot of ramble of some yellow colored flowers on the tar road. The same scenario is present in the vicinity where I once-upon-a-time LIVED, when the early mornings of the vacation days were spent playing cricket with friends, on a similar tar road coated with a similar coverage of yellow flowers.

I cover some more distance. The office building can be seen now. I am about 200 meters away from it. The clean window panes of the building reflect the light from the Sun. The sky behind the office building is covered with a fleet of grey clouds that dapple the light azure sky. The sky behind me seems sloshed in orange paint. The sun exhibits an AAMRAS color. The sky at my zenith point has a tint of light cobalt blue. There is a garden on either side of the tar road. In front of me and about 100 meters away from me stands the office building. I take out my camera. And capture the reflection of the Sun, rebounded by the panes. Satisfied with my camera work, I turn and look at the Sun again. Splendid, Round and Shiny. And its rays, contrary to its natural instincts, are cool. I am staring at the fireball, while my mind is immersed in a reverie. A reverie where I imagine reading a book, that is located on some custom-made overhead book holder, while I lie on a bed. Hands-free book reading, in a dark room, where the requisite illumination is provided by the cool light rays emitted by a candle. It is a simile to the early morning orange light rays from the sun.

LATER.

MEETING!!!

AGM ( over the phone): I want everyone to be there in 'thee' canferance room at 2:00 sharp. DAYDEECAYTED team work shood be there.
Me (on the other side of the call): Of course,Sir! The data and the file is ready! I shall get the print outs and come at 2 PM in the conference room.

I give the excel files a final TOUCH UP and copy them to a pen drive. And try one of the WINDOWS-technical-goof-up, that is the SAFELY REMOVE option. But, the 128 MB RAM does not support the 16 GB pen drive. I pull out the PD unceremoniously. And find an until-now-non-existent-bent along the length of the pen drive.
The pen drive is so badly bruised that it is now unfit for further use. Fuck that for now.I think. I shall carry the printouts to the meeting. I go to the printer cum scanner cum XEROX. The monochromatic LCD of the printer reflects "PAPER MISMATCH". I find that there is no paper in the paper tray. Helpless, I decide to borrow a pen drive from a colleague. I FINALLY manage to get those files in to the borrowed pen drive. I sigh. HUSSSSHHH.
I enter the conference room. Talk initiated inside the room is about IPL.
The droopy-eyed-tall-guy says: One six in 10 matches! And still the highest run getter. Isko Bolte hai AUKAT!

AGM: Sachin is now HAS starTED  playing like LARA.

BOOTLICKER: He has reached his maturity.

( AFTER playing for 21 long years, Sachin has matured. Mature enough to be compared to Lara.)
They notice me, coming in. My boss is absent for the day. So, it means that I represent my department today, at the meeting.

AGM: HEY! You should be here ON 2 o'clock. By 2:02 PM, you shood take THEE command. SEE, it is not enough to JUST come IN the playground, you shood also bat.


I nod. What more could I have done?

AGM: Let us GATE starTED.PLAY!!! Let this be A power play SAYsion!


By then, I am done with the uploading of the PD files to the conference PC. I open the files, but it takes eons to open a file on this decrepit computer. Finally, the file is displayed.
AGM: Where is thee important content? You shood have it with you.

ME: I have not got it from you, Sir. I have sent you an e-mail asking for the same.

AGM: e-mail se kya hota hai. Personally, you shood have contacted me! What is thee AAGEEENDAA?
I listen. ( What's the point of using an e-mail facility then? It is like sending first an invitation card by post to someone and then landing up at his residence to AGAIN personally invite the person!)
AGM: Where is your Boss?

Me: Donno, Sir!
AGM: There is no daaataaa. You DOES not bring any daaataaa. Useless time pass happen then.
Me:  I have brought the data,Sir!
AGM: Where is it? where is it?

The slow PC isn't capable to open a 1 MB file even after a minute.
AGM: You do not bring thee daaataaa! Your DEEPAARment is always LIKE THIS. You don't have daaataaa, why you come? Don't come then.

Me: I have  the data. It's just that the PC  is slow. It will open. Wait a minute.

AGM ( Now standing): The meeting is over then. You do not bring thee daaataaa. I am going to tell TO your boss that he is not making gooood use of his team. DEDIIICATSHUN is not there. You people just come IN the field, you shood also bring your BAT too. How MUCH times shood I shayre my bat. BAT bhi main laoo, ball bhi main hi laoo. AISA kaisa?

ME: Sir, it will open! The file will open!

AGM: That is NAAAOOO your probLAME. The meeting is over for us! ( he says,pointing towards his TEAM)

Everyone is ready to leave. They leave, eventually. I sit inside the conference room. Silent. Staring at the projected excel file.
BORED, i leave.

I return to my cubicle. It's been just 2 weeks at the job.

NEXT DAY. The situation is the same as the previous day's.

My boss isn't at work.

Slight change is that I do *not* attend the meeting.

The meeting is over by 2:02 PM. Again. LACK of DAAATAAA and DAYDEECAYSHUN, it seems again.

AGM ( comes to my cubicle): You WAS not presaant? There is no DAYDEECAYSHUN from your side. Your DEPARment is suffering. Have you and your boss made a straTARgee to not to come to thee meeting?

The AGM always mentions cricket. Almost every where. Relates it to almost everything.
POWER PLAYS, BAT & BALL. SACHIN!

The entirety of the AGM's AAAGEEENDDAA is now understood.

I realize that he is actually taking a straTARGEEEC TIME-OUT!!!



LATER!